Published 2 months ago in Educational

Are You the Husband Allah Describes - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan

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Muslims must meet two sets of responsibilities, says Nouman Ali Khan: responsibilities towards Allah and towards people. While our obligations to Allah are clear and simple, with the only possibility of wrong-doing falling on us, human relationships are much more complicated. But the two are not separate from each other; if you fail in your responsibilities towards people, then you have also failed before Allah. Marital relationships are a case in point. Allah perfectly sums up the husband-wife connection in the first part of Aya 34 of Surat An-Nisaa: “Arrijaal qawwamuna ‘ala an-nisaa." Despite popular misconception, the word “qawwamuna” has nothing to do with authority, says Khan. Its core meaning combines the notions of activity, commitment, consistency, reliability and conferring value. Physical, emotional and spiritual abuse in the form of “religious blackmail” are not tolerated in Islam. On the contrary, husbands have a responsibility to actively maintain relationships, protect their spouses (even against their own parents, with respect) and to be the mentors and advisers who will help them fulfill their goals.


Robitaille Sabri where say liamri walk

that amid lasagna holy allahumma

thabbitna and inaudible a ilaha il'allah

w'allahu madam in alladhina amanu aminu

sorry hat what I was hoping Huck what I

was always up I mean Arabella I mean in

our religion there are two fundamental

responsibilities that every human being

owes there is a responsibility we owe to

Allah and there's a responsibility or a

set of responsibilities we owe to other

people that starts with your own family

different members of your family and

then beyond that to your neighbor and

beyond that to humanity at large it's

actually much easier to talk about what

we owe Allah because what we owe Allah

is very clear simple and Allah Azza WA

JAL is always just and fair so at least

one side there's no possibility of

unfairness and that's Allah and so when

the expectations are given from him then

there is absolutely no argument or

ambiguity or lack of clarity however

when you talk about a relationship

between people for instance the

relationship between an employer and an

employee or the relationship between a

parent and a child or a husband and a

wife or siblings or whatever else when

you talk about any of these

relationships there's a possibility that

one or either side does something wrong

so here you are doing your part you're

fulfilling your responsibilities but the

other side is not doing their part

they're not fulfilling their

responsibilities and when that happens

it's a very common tendency for you to

say well they don't do their part

why should I do my part so the

relationships we have with Allah

essentially the relationship we have

with a licen surely is very fundamental

very simple very straightforward

actually the only possibility of

wrongdoing is on my end and that's why

we begin our relationship with him with

the first du'a in human history robinov

alumni and fuss Hanna talks with Lana

but I have not an akuna in the middle

class sitting master we wronged

ourselves if you don't forgive us and if

you don't show us mercy were of the lost

there's no possibility that Allah will

do wrong well novel Emunah Moroccan

canoe and force our honeymoon they

didn't wronged us they were only

wronging themselves and Eliza would

never you know he doesn't do one to

people warm honorable allow me lil I

bead on the other hand though like I was

saying in this introduction people are


and all the other relationships we have

are complicated the thing is though that

these are very important and these are

things that we're going to be asked

about before when we stand in front of

Allah our relationship with Allah when

you fix that relationship it creates a

sense of responsibility to all your

other relationships in other words what

I'm trying to say is if you are very

good to Allah but very bad to your

appearance that actually means you're

still very bad to Allah Allah Azza

Whitten has given you responsibilities

to your parents to your spouse to your

children to your brother to your sister

to humanity and if you don't fulfill

those then you have disregarded what

Allah gave responsibility Allah gave you

right so we have to actually fulfill

those rights and those obligations to

the best of our ability as well but it's

so hard to talk about it's hard to talk

about because if I were to give this

lecture about I just hold BA about the

rights of parents for example there will

be children in the audience and there

are young you know sons and daughters

around the world that have been abused

by their parents that's a fact there are

parents that were not good parents that

is a reality and when they hear that

lecture about how good you have to be to

your parents they say to themselves wait

but they didn't do anything for me what

did they do they actually even abused me

there are parents that are physically

abusive emotionally abusive they're

people that appears that are spiritually

abusive there all kinds of abuse that

happens and why did they get a blank

check and so when someone listens to one

side then they get upset how come you

didn't present the other side similarly

if I was to give the lecture today the

whole but today about the rights of the

husband then a lot of wives would be

upset what about our side why should I

give him all these rights

what is he done and if I were to do this

for the man and say well these are the

responsibilities that we have towards

the women then the men will be upset

well yeah okay fine I have all these

responsibilities but she messes up all

the time and you don't say anything

about that what are we supposed to do so

you know what happens in in discussing

any of these rights and responsibilities

there's always a chip on our shoulder

there's always this defense mechanism

wait are you going to balance this

equation or what so the first thing I

wanted to address is that elephant in

the room

today's table is actually about the

responsibilities of men and that will in

fact make some men very upset because

they're going to say you didn't say

anything about

women inshallah my next code by here

will be about women so I'll make them

upset as much probably promise you no

but the the thing is though that there's

a very natural and I would even say a

tendency inspired by iblees himself is

that he makes us forget our

responsibilities and he makes us think

all the time about our rights so when

you are being reminded of your

responsibilities you say to yourself

well I don't get my rights why should I

think about my responsibilities you're

always concerned about your rights and

as a result you are less concerned about

your responsibilities these two things

are independent of each other I know

that's hard i I would be the first to

admit that's a very difficult thing to

do to actually think only of your

responsibilities and not think of your

rights you do have rights but they are

not rights that you only give when

you're you know all responsibilities you

only fulfill when your rights are being

met it's not like that these are two

independent things especially when it

comes to justice especially when it

comes to how we're going to stand in

front of Allah so again so now what I

wanted to start with is the definition

of a particular word that defines the

relationship between husbands and wives

our Raja Luca hua Munna Alan Nisa the

phrase Allah used in Surat Annisa is

that men are Kalam / women men are Kalam

over women a very unusual word the word

Kalam and that seems to be the

foundation of how this unit is supposed

to operate and what men or women and how

women are to react to men is captured in

dice in this one phrase everything else

it's a long ayah everything else that

follows in this ayah is actually in the

shade of this one statement so if this

club is dedicated to that one statement

really Armijo a luna and an Nisa and

that really that fundamental word

kawaman what does that mean for you and

me the word Kalam comes from the Arabic

word p.m. to stand and it has several

implications one of the very fluid words

of the Arabic language is a very

powerful choice of Allah for this this

word to be used there are many other

words you can use but this word in

particular one of the things that makes

it unique is that it shares its origin

with one of the names of Allah - Allah

steam in ayatul kursi allahu la ilaha

well hey I own the word Alka Yoon is

actually from the same origin as the

word Kalam now I highlight that for a

reason I highlight that because when a

Las name is being used a young then we

have to understand that name fully in

all of its meanings to appreciate the

beauty of that name and also that that

word itself becomes now sacred and to

take some of its meanings away or to add

meanings in there that are not there is

rather blasphemous because it's sacred

it's one it's from one of the names of

Allah Himself derived from it is one of

the names used for what we are supposed

to emulate now the first of them nakida

Julis di means standing like not sitting

but from it is implied activity like

someone who's constantly engaged in

something someone who's never passive

someone who you know how there's there's

autopilot or there's cruise control in

your car right or so there's a machine

that can once you turn it on it just

runs on its own it doesn't need to be

constantly operated that's not what

we're talking about we're talking about

the exact opposite something that

doesn't function until you actively

involve yourself you cannot just press

the on button and let it go and this

said this is actually very it's kind of

funny but the way they explained this in

in etymology is by means of an ancient

poem there's a slave used to have

slavery back in the day so the slave is

about to be sold and as he's about to be

sold he says please don't buy me and he

says this the statement fight in d.vii

era - about - Coleman what is I shall be

right you know then he said about -

nothing he says don't buy me because if

I'm hungry I get really annoyed I don't

active at all I don't feel like doing

anything so you're not gonna get any

work out of me especially when I'm what

hungry and if I've eaten well I just

love sleeping so but the when he says

I'm hungry I'm not active at all use the

word Coleman and I'm suggesting here

what I'm trying to tell you here is the

meanings of that word include someone

who's constantly active now that that's

the first hint to myself and you about

relationships this relationship is not

something that will carry itself you'll

have to actively maintain this

relationship there is something that the

love between spouses is not something

that just carries on it has to be

maintained and nurtured and flourished

it needs to be something that needs to

come one

to come back to you cannot assume that

it's there it can dry up and it can


fizzle away the assumption that

something has been forgiven or the hurt

the feelings of hurt are gone that

assumption it does not the hurt doesn't

go away on its own you have to work on

getting rid of it you have to fix it so

there's an active role necessitated you

know sometimes people are living under

the same roof they're not talking to

each other for years or not not any real

conversation anyway how was dinner

how's work how's traffic okay I'm just

going to watch TV now and years go by

and people actually haven't had any

conversation they haven't built any

relationship at all the only thing they

share is a roof that's all they share

that's not what men are supposed to do

and it's particularly difficult for men

to be active in fostering a relationship

because we're not much of a talker

anyway we like to just be passive we

like to just come home after a day of

work sit on a couch put on TV or just

get all our device and just I don't want

to talk and she'll come and say hey so

how was your date what's going on tell

me how your feelings can we do this

later I don't feel like this right now

we're not the ones that initiate and we

have to be the ones that initiate that's

the first implication Altium Allison

qiyam also means commitment that this is

why in even Kuran william mcdonough

abdullah he drew who in maken quran it

was so difficult to come and stand and

pray at the cow because you could get

beat up and so someone when someone made

the commitment to pray despite all of

the challenges ahead of them the word

kion was used for it similarly that the

people of the cave were terrified to

testify in front of the entire village

because they're going to get slaughtered

if they testify that there's one god

when everybody else worship was worships

multiple gods but if Gamu Ficano yeah as

a fuckwad as Mufasa would say to make a

commitment to commit to something men

have to commit to this relationship and

here this is the real reason I brought

up this code ba I'll give I'll go

through these meetings rather quickly

and then get to the the fundamental

piece that I wanted to get to p.m. also

means about constancy you have to and

from it actually comes over t1 and T BOM

is Nevada

a actually neva woohoo where I'm at who

the the pillar of a building is also

it's given the thing that holds

something together and the finger

maintains that you can rely on all the


furniture can move inside of a house

walls can move pillars can't move

pillars have to be a constant we have to

be the constant in our families for our

women they have to be we can't be

fluctuating yesterday you said this

today you're saying that yesterday you

said this is ok today it's not ok you

can't be fluctuating you have to be

constant and that's one of the other

implications of the word p1 and finally

one of my favorites actually from it

comes the word Pema not the ones that

they see eat but keema is actually value

sama you shake that a man being kawaman

responsible for letting his spouse know

how valuable she is he gives her value

he appreciates her he acknowledges her

he lets her know that she's beautiful

and a lot of men actually do the

opposite let her know how fat she is how

ugly she is how short she is how dark

she is how freckle cheese or whatever

and they'll do that constantly putting

her down demeaning her value you know

putting pudding or insulting her

intelligence god you're such a horrible

driver you're so annoying why can't you

just take the normal right turn like

everybody else you know why are you in

this Lane why aren't you in that Lane

constantly putting her down in some way

or the other and if Kalam is someone who

gives value instead of taking value away

like if if the spouse of the woman feels

you know stupid when she's around her

husband when she feels ugly when she's

around her husband when she feels

valueless when she's around her husband

then he's not being a kilometer this is

what we have to be a WOM now I wanted to

highlight all of this in one particular

context and that is before we become

better husbands and better and by the

way the ayah is not just about husbands

it's Island Nyssa it's actually this is

the kind of thing we're supposed to do

for our mothers or sisters or daughters

it's actually broadened and then it's

made more specific about the spousal

relationship but the reason I was probed

to bring this topic up as the hot pot is

because recently I've been engaged in

quite a bit of travel and what I do when

I travel and I speak in different

communities across this reap more

recently was across the United States

and somewhat in Europe

after a program is done I spend a few

hours just talking to people just people

just come up to me and they ask me all

kinds of questions or share concerns and

overwhelmingly overwhelmingly the women

that came and spoke with me

spoke with me about how their husbands

are their good husbands but they allow

their her in-laws to be abusive in other

words they live joint family system or

whatever it may be or you know they're

you know the husband has his wife but he

also has his parents and the parents are

abusive to the wife and she has to put

up with it and he says I can't do

anything they're my parents what do you

want me to do you know they're gonna say

things to you but you should just be

patient because they're by I'll always

side with my mother I always hide with

my father

etc what happens here is there are two

lines that have been crossed on the one

hand as a husband your responsibilities

to your wife you took her from her

family you took her from the protection

of her parents she had a willy she had a

father and his job was to make sure she

stays happy safe she's not insulted or

humiliated she's protected from all

forms of abuse physical emotional

spiritual all kinds of abuse that was

the father's role and when you sign that

nicka and when you said you agree then

all of those roles were shifted over to

you yours you're supposed to be as

protective of her even more so actually

than her father was because your

relationship with her actually even goes


she's even the mother of your children

there's there's more here and so you

were supposed to be a shield around her

at the same time you are also a son a

son to your mother a son to your father

and this religion teaches us that we

cannot even say oath to our parents you

can't raise your voice to your parents

at all now you are being pulled in two

different directions you have these

enormous obligations to your spouse

Metheny Valley the Quran calls it a

heavy contract a heavy agreement is not

a light thing marriage and on the other

hand you have this enormous

responsibility to your

parents and sometimes they make you pick

which one you're going to be good to and

your job is actually to draw a line and

say this is what I will do for my wife

this is what how I will take care of her

and this is how I will protect her and

to let your parents know you can say

whatever you want to me you beat me up

it cursed me out I'm your kid you do

whatever you want that's fine

I'll take it but you can't touch her you

can't say a word to her she's not yours

she's not your responsibility and she's

not your child

especially the culture I come from you

know what they say when they're girls

getting married they say oh she's like

our daughter oh it's like we have a new

daughter in the family beware when you

hear those words be thought girls be

thoroughly warned because one day she's

like this she's like our daughter

trouble is looming just a couple of

weeks later there's going to be

commentary about how you didn't cook or

you cooked you know with too much salt

or you know you're lazy or you didn't

clean our table stuff is gonna begin no

no no no no the relationship between

this woman and her husband's family

first and foremost is a relationship of

mutual respect she has to be treated

with respect and she has to treat with

respect when it comes to rights and

obligations she is under no obligation

to obey your parents I'm sorry I'm sorry

in that I feel sorry for you that you

believe that for so long

but your your wife has no obligation to

obey your parents and if you are forcing

her to obey your parents and serve your

parents you are engaged in an act of

injustice you're being abusive you're

not a powwow you're not to Kalama law

made you you were supposed to be taking

care of her you didn't bring a servant

into the family and you're not supposed

to be giving her lectures about you have

to be patient their elder they can say

whatever they want no no no no no no

when even our family does something

wrong Allah commands us to stand up for

justice even if it's you Allah Allah and

fousey come I will Valatie valide well a

Crabby you have to stand up for justice

even if it means you have

stand up against yourself meaning if

you've done something wrong you have to

own up to it and if your parents have

done something wrong you actually

lovingly respectfully head down humble

voice you still have to let them know

you can't do that mom I'm sorry you

can't do that dad that's not right I'm

not going to allow it you're my dad

but those rights I will not allow you to

trample because Allah will not be asking

you Allah will be asking me whether I

was going over my wife or not if you

cannot be that shield then you are in

violation what of what Allah expects

from you as a husband that's that's very

important to understand we have

situations in which by the way as people

are listening to this like I said in the

beginning I gave that disclaimer there

are going to be in-laws that I really

but you know there are wives that are

abusive to the in-laws you didn't give

us a blob out then you just give a whole

blob out how messed up we are but what

about them they also throw shoes and do

crazy things

call them I will but I can only do one

thing at a time in a cobbler one other

time it's coming but right now we have

to deal with one problem and by the way

one evil doesn't justify the other evil

and one evil well they do it - is that a

deflection or not a justification that

you get to get away with the other wrong

that's happening and you and I have to

take stock in your own families what's

happening is this kind of wrong

happening because if it is then Allah

will ask the rasul silences cairo

geun-hye to come DME the best of you are

the ones that are best to their families

that this last bit that i wanted to

share with you please take note of it

there are there are three kinds of abuse

that i want to highlight three kinds of

abuse the first of them is the worst of

them what you think it's the most worse

the worst of them is physical abuse that

is absolutely out of the question rasool

allah salallahu I tell them outright la

tawdry boo EEMA Allah do not hit the

female slaves of Allah outright do not

hit the female slaves of Allah now Allah

Allah's messenger could have said that's

ugly goodness ha don't hit women right

don't hit women because the female

slaves of Allah are women but the power

of those words is that you know when you

said when you call them female slaves of

women Oh

of Allah then you their relationship

fundamentally who are who owns them

Allah does and when you mess with

someone else's property like if you

destroy my car you haven't offended my

car who have you offended you offended

me if you came after my child you

haven't just insulted my child or abused

my child you've abused who me I will

come after you you understand if they

are a lost property and you hit them who

is coming after you Allah not only

William Allah watch it they belong to

Allah that's what the messenger says

some alexinnz some physical abuse is

absolutely out of the question it is out

of the question and anybody would like

to argue otherwise I'll stick around

after Juma I can talk to you about it

the second kind of abuse is emotional

and emotional abuse could be verbal it

could be when the husband is not around

the in-laws come along and say by the

way you're just here for a little bit we

can get rid of you whenever we want

that's my son and when the husband's

home then how are you used to sweet

you're so kind

and this girl's going crazy like when

he's not around they turned into the

devil and when he's around they turn

into an angel so when I try to tell my

husband that they're crazy he says what

are you talking about they're so nice

you're crazy and this is a kind of

emotional abuse a husband and wife have

to have a trusting relationship they

have to if you don't have trust you have

nothing there's nothing there this

entire the this is not a blood

relationship marriage is a contract

which means you agreed to share a life

together and that requires the utmost

amount of trust if you can't even trust

what she's saying to you if you think

that she's lying to you all the time

then what makes this marriage a marriage

is not there it's not there for you to

say I can't believe that I can't believe

that uh well you if you can't believe it

then I don't know if you're in the right

marriage there's something fundamentally

wrong something far deeper than just

abuse there's not even a trust left

inside the marriage emotional abuse is

sometimes verbal and sometimes it's not

even verbal

sometimes it's the way you're looked at

sometimes it's the way people sit around

you she comes into the room they get up

and walk away

they don't even turn their face this way

they changed the tone of their voice

sometimes even the way in which you say

why Lincoln was set up

she said Salam or aleikum mother-in-law

said Largo Salam or she doesn't say

anything at all

that's a pretty abusive statement to not

say anything at all and then she can

turn around and say manager guy

motorized eh I didn't say anything

that's emotional abuse and it's

unacceptable the last of the abuses

though is the scariest one to me and

that's spiritual abuse when the wrong is

done and then the religion is quoted

Allah says you have to be good to

parents this is what islam teaches you

and they'll they'll do the wrong and

then they'll invoke allah and his book

and his messengers all along to them who

are completely innocent of this nonsense

and then that's that that's the

religious or spiritual kind of blackmail

and abuse that goes on in families this

needs to come to an end in your family

I'm only talking to the men right now

I'm not upset with parents I'm not upset

with you know with anybody else I'm not

even upset with you but I'm just giving

you and myself a reality check

look our our parents are not evil

they're not they were brought up in a

certain culture they were brought up in

a certain environment they have certain

norms that they've come to become used

to and some of those things are not

right but they don't realize that they

just do what they think in their mind is

right they're not nobody's purposely

evil they're not even though the some

women believe that about their in-laws

nobody is intentionally evil everybody

just thinks from a very different point

of view you however are in the middle

you're in the middle of two worlds that

are pulling at you and you're going to

have to just you're going to have to be

the voice of reason and justice and you

know what that means sometimes you're

going to have to take the side of your

parents and sometimes you're gonna have

to take the side of your wife because

then nobody is always right and

sometimes you will make a mistake too

and then you'll have to admit that you

made a mistake that's going to have to

happen too which means the role that you

are in this middle role that you are

is a very difficult one and it's a role

in which you will constantly be the

object of criticism somebody will

criticize you all the time because

whatever decision you make upset someone

somebody will congratulations on being a

men that's what it comes with that's the

role you have to play out of a jar Luka

wah Munna island Nyssa congratulations

that's the role allah has given us if

you don't understand that you feel like

this ayah is about this absolute

authority allah has given us and you

know we get to do whatever we want with

the women under our Authority the word

PR has nothing to do with Authority

first of all it has to do like I said

with being active and making sure that

you can you constantly check yourself

and make sure that the relationship

remains healthy is commitment is

constancy it's firm it comes the word is

the comma

which means fairness even Aladdin one of

the meanings of aesthetic Allah is added

that they may maintain fairness over

weight one of my favourite meanings of

it that I didn't even share with you a

spoon from peon comes the word comb

which means I'll past men are supposed

to be not only there for their women in

terms of caretaking and protection

they're supposed to give their women a

sense of purpose and direction they're

actually supposed to in a sense even be

mentors to their wives mentors to them

advisors to them this is what you should

do hey I let me help you fulfill this

goal or that goal how many times there

are especially in abusive family

situations there are women that used to

have goals I want to I want to start an

orphanage I want to do this I want to

write a book I want to do that and they

don't get to do any of it who is

supposed to encourage them and open up

that door for them and say yeah you

should do it I know you make a mean part

uh but you can also write a book you

should you should work on that who was

supposed to encourage them and do that

that was supposed to be the husband he

was supposed to open that door so I pray

that Allah so it gives us and our

children the ability to be raised

mentally as kalam and the abuse that is

happening inside of our families that

where the where the reason that it comes

to an end I'm not giving this foot but

that you go home and you start fights

that's not why I gave this good bar

ladies I did not give this ho Buster you

go say hey watch this video

don't do that that is not why I give

this wimba it's for men to do an

introspection of themselves that is part

of the selfishness that we have now

you know opted everybody here's a hood

bah or lecture or a talk and they think

well this will be really good for my

rights everybody should be thinking this

will be good for my responsibilities

don't become selfish in this religion

this religion is about you serving Allah

first and foremost so we just take stock

of ourselves and when you do go back and

try to implement some of these things

even implement them with mercy even if

your parents are doing wrong and you're

correcting them you're not a police

officer and you're not a judge you're a

son still even if you're going to

correct them you're going to correct

them with love and mercy and care you're

going to be tactful and careful about it

you know and so may Allah so then give

us that delicacy so that we can really

truly fulfill the words of the prophet

salallahu alayhi wa sallam hadouken

hadouken ble he why not Heidemann

completely the best of you are the best

to their families and he didn't say the

best of you are the best of good

families even if you have messed-up

family you still have do your best right

and I'm the best of you to my family may

allows that will make us better and

better families and make us do right by

our families barakallahu li walakum phil

quran attacking when i finally I come

back I ought with the key Hakim Salaam

our department hamdu lillahi wa kafa o

salat wa salam o allah i body in ladino


also Sanada of Lally him bhajatam in the

beginning Mohammed al-ameen wa ala alihi

wa sahbihi ajma'in Allah Azza WA JAL 50w

Kareem brother and a Buddha Allah he min

ash-shaitani rajeem in Allah Allah Allah

Allah Tahu Saluda a lender be

yeah you hella zina amanu sallu alayhi

wa salamu Taslima allahumma salli ala

muhammadin wa ala ala muhammad camisole

abraham rather early Brahimi Falana me

in the committee Majid

allahumma barik ala muhammadin wa ala

ala muhammad , Barack Talib Rahim while

Ibrahim Afellay limine in the comida

Majid RIBA de la hora kiraku moola eat

tabouleh inna llaha ya'muru bil-adli sin

well et al kaba when her and in fact

evil moon car well addict allahu akbar

allahu allah ma to snarl okay miss Allah

in the Salah to Khalid Al mini- amor


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